i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
