i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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