is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
