just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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