I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
