just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
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As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
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I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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