forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
