Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
