im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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