I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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