so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
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You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
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I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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