My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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