I think I won the penis lottery.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
