Please, let me fuck your mom
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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