just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
