My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
