goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
