Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
