guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
