dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
