You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
where are you?
Hypothermia
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
