My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
