I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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