Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize