yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
