your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
