neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
