im drinking this country out of the recession.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Two words: blizzard sex
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
