My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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