Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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