I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
