Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
