I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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