I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
