I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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