last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
