Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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