My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
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I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
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Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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