Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
