and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
