I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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