I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
