i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
