yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
