When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
