im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You don't make any sense
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