You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
