I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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