Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
