you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
