Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
