I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
